stuck?

what is it that makes me crave that lighthearted companionship?
the now and then. the sunny. the super 8.
it's almost a decade since that time, but i miss it.
the singing on rooftops
the blending of daquiris
the skinnydipping under stars
the getting caught/citations for trespassing
the driving with the windows down, dancing to ridiculous music
the bad parking
the coffeecake and hobees
the swimming and the drama
the eating and the baking
the whispering and the spooning
the borrowing of clothes
the assurances and the confidence
that the world could be against us but we had each other and we were fine.

i feel that until junior year, i was kind of my own independent ship.  or maybe, i still do sort of live in this weird pseudoworld i invented for myself mixing beverly cleary, lm montgomery, and the babysitters club.

is friendship overrated?
i need to stop watching kid tv and start writing my papers and being a grown up.

11:11

A minute ago, it was 11:11pm, and it reminded me of twelve hours ago.  Well, twelve hours and seven minutes ago when I was at Au Bon Pain, getting soup and a muffin.  The boy crouching behind the cash register flashed me a grin, and I obliged a smile while hurriedly getting my food.  I was already seven minutes late.  When I returned to the cash register, for some reason, he was now walking around trying to stamp sticker prices onto items.  I tried to quell my annoyance, but honestly, customer service 101, the customer comes first.  I was tempted to grab my soup and muffin and make a run for it, but my inner socialized conscience and my flabby thighs kept me waiting.  He sauntered over and smiled as he fumbled with the register.  I stared out of the corner of my eye, willing the "closed" on the register to change.  Right then the phone rang.  As he typed into the keyboard for the fifth time, he balanced the phone in the crook of his neck. It was his boss Mike.  They had run out of cookies and the boy had tried to tell him earlier.  The boss was annoyed they ran out of cookies but was sending over a stock soon.  The boy hung up, swiped my credit card and asked me if I wanted the receipt.  I said no.  He tore the receipt off and glanced at it before shrugging slightly and saying, "It's 11:11." he grinned as he crumpled my receipt and tossed it into the trash.  For a split-second I wished I'd taken the receipt.  I smiled again and headed for the elevator.  Sweet kid.  Now it's 11:19pm and I should get back to work.

My last piece on Steve Jobs.

I just read the eulogy by his sister: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/30/opinion/mona-simpsons-eulogy-for-steve-jobs.html

as I read this, I see people grasping at straws.
I see a man who was self-sufficient and good at what he does.
Who was good at being "good" and yet, that's not enough, is it?

Steve was not a saint.  Not even close.  The news/anecdotal accounts/hushed stories attest to that.

and yet, he affected his family so deeply.  the people he touched.  and here is a man, that may be closest to one who universally affected the world.  the contemporary alexander the great, caesar, or King Solomon, if you will.

Yet Solomon's wisdom prevails.  All is vanity.  There is nothing new under the sun.  Steve may have done his best at making his mark, but in the end, he will fade into history.

His last words tear at my heart.  "Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow."  I wonder.  were these words uttered in rapture or horror?  What did he see past those shoulders?  Those two words, expressed through a dying man's lips.  A man whose physical being will pass away, but whose soul will remain forever.

It hurts my heart.  Because he was a "great" man.. but greatness does not make for salvation.

What did he see?  Did he see the depths of hell automatically or did he see the complete righteousness of Christ illuminating the complete failings of his sin?  What will I see?

Even so, it is well with my soul.

another milestone.

So after lots of stress and craziness, today I moved ALL 26 of my boxes into Christine, Natalie and Junny's attic.  (Thank you so much girls for your hospitality, flexibility, care, and love!!)  You're probably thinking 26? What the.  Let me explain.  Only 7 of them were large boxes.  The rest were small.  some "boxes" were really just a backpack or a sleeping mat, that I still marked with my tag.
Anyway, I chatted with CMyung, and we always have the most eventful conversations.

Since everything was last minute, I managed to stick everything into my little Honda Accord and then proceeded to lug each box up the stairs.  Then, I had to carry it up the ladder into their attic.  The first box I tried to take up (the really heavy one) caused a lot of drama.  I couldn't go up or down and my leg was shaking badly.  It was frightening.  I finally figured out how to get it up there... and then I took a quick breather and went down to get the rest of the boxes.

As I carried them up, I realized, that dude, I never have to get married.  I am bonafide self-sufficient.  I'm carrying 20+lb boxes up the stairs UP A ladder and storing it in an attic!  Like a GI Joe!  Christine (half-heartedly) countered, "It's not about carrying boxes, it's about companionship."  But I feel like I have better companionship elsewhere.  I voiced those thoughts.  Then she responded (a little too enthusiastically), "NO DOn't say that!! But YEah! I feel like that too!  I have a feeling that it's gonna be you, me, and Grace Son living together in the future."   I cracked up at that.  What a life.  I bet Grace would get mad and tell me to take her off the list.

Anyway, afterwards my hands were tingly, I was sweaty, but I was done!  All under an hour!  But I think I broke their ladder (but apparently Junny's strong and can fix it?  I guess if not, John can?).

Then I chatted a bit with le Myung.  I think I thought a lot though, these past few days.  Especially with my mom gone, me moving out, etc etc, and just reflecting and feeling isolated and alone (granted, this was late at night and I wasn't at the best emotional state).... sometimes I wonder if I'm independent because I put myself in this situation or if it's because others leave me alone.  And then I wonder what the purpose of relationships and friendships are, if they continue to pass.  I used to think relationships were like ponds, that simply grow deeper or shallower (depending on the rainfall or sun).  But now, I see it more like a river, where different currents intertwine for a time, but then move on.

Anyway, I'm moved, I'm packed.  They say "it's only ten months" but ten months is still a really long time.  I also am afraid of the reality that I may not come back.  If I'm not coming back, I want to know NOW and not 8 months from now.  I don't want to find out in April that I'm staying in Boston.  I feel like the more I want to return though, the more I'll have to stay.  That's how my life works!  Whatever I want, I don't really get.

Where will I BE?  People tease me about marriage (don't worry, a guy would never be my reason for staying in Boston.. I mean really?  Changing my life plans for a person I've known for like.. a few months?  No thank you.  I'm 24, not 44.  Plus, Janet said she's gonna sabotage any relationship I have there, so I guess that's that.  Lastly, I want to be the one with the advanced, frivolous degree.. a real man wouldn't be wasting his time in academia - he should focus on fixing a toilet (I mean if I'm saving money by cooking, he should save me on car and house upkeep!). HAHA. )... but I'm thinking.. I'm like almost too self-sufficient to need to be married.  In fact, I can fix my own car, carry my own boxes, build my own shelf... I have applecare so I don't have to worry about computers.  And if I can't.. my dad can.

So I guess until my dad dies, I can stay single and be relatively happy.

Unless this guy comes along.

  But otherwise. meh.

Anyway, til next time.

today

after an impromptu shopping trip at stanford (which could be successful or unsuccessful, depending on how you look at it), i treated myself to haagen daaz for dinner.

i tried a few flavors and then settled on cookie dough and belgium chocolate chocolate.  the belgium chocolate chocolate made me audibly say "whoa".  I regret not just getting belgium chocolate chocolate.

anyway, instead of going home, i decided to sit outside.  it was a little past 8 but still bright.  i felt like corporate, material-girl, America.  or at least, very palo alto.  

i went to stanford to buy a pair of oxfords.  i thought urban outfitters was there.... and it will be, but right now they're still mid-construction. :(  i went to macy's, opted not to buy tights but interested in checking out more like these).  then stopped by lucky and ended up buying 2 pairs of jeans.  (might return one pair, probably won't. Hah!)  oh! and i picked up my free birthday cake bubble bath gift from sephora.  that was fun. i waltzed to the front and said, "it's my birthday! can i pick up my gift!"   as i was walking with my bag from sephora to lucky, i passed starbucks and had a passing thought, doesn't starbucks do birthday gifts too?  what's up with this?  where's my birthday present free drink?!!!!!.  I was tempted to walk in an say IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY!  but i didn't.

Anyway, i was thinking about my purchases and exceedingly happy and comfortable.  I couldn't find a pair of oxfords at aldo's, macy's, or at bloomingdale's.  but now i have jeans.  and i was eating ice cream.  and THEN, as my tongue curled around the flakes of chocolate, i realized something amazing.

THIS delicious belgium chocolate chocolate flavor was familiar!  It is the CLOSEST i will ever get to swiss chocolate ice cream from Movenpick that I used to eat in Taiwan!  It makes sense!  Belgium and Switzerland are NEIGHBORS.  And.... the flavor was ALMOST identical.  the Movenpick is definitely stronger chocolate and the sheets of chocolate are more delicate (and thus crackly), but this Haagen Daaz Belgium chocolate chocolate DEFINITELY shares a similar quality.

I was very happy.

Also, if anyone knows how to get movenpick in the states.... PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!!!!!!!!

currently going through my head

the reason i'm having a tough time budgeting is b/c i'm trying to live like a rich bay area person on a poor bay area person's income

i get mad when people mess something up for me because I don't just want an apology, I want them to fix it.

In general, I get frustrated when something is "not right": why can't someone fix it?

i don't understand myself sometimes, so then, i try to ignore myself, until i can't. and then it's back to square 1.

it's hard to make objective decisions when matters get personal.

i don't know why i save cards and letters...  i just do.

i've been yelping regularly now, and it's just made me more critical.  why can't I have a 5-star experience anywhere?

in 2 weeks i'll know something about at least 1 school.

i still have lots of little things to do.. and that's why it's both gratifying and frustrating at the same time when i finish an item off my list.

my laptop sounds like an airplane and randomly crashes.  but i don't want a new one b/c i'm loving how it's working otherwise...

the more i use windows 7, the more pro-pc i become.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-12513403: wow; that sounds so .. what's that WORD?

i'll be back.

babies

i know it's a culturally insensitive thing to say, or just that people are sensitive about it in general, but i just don't understand why people don't have babies.

i don't understand the whole "wait until X is done with Y until we start a family."

i don't understand flippant choices to use certain kinds of contraceptives and i definitely don't understand studied choices to do so.

i mean, i guess it's a tad personal because I was a "surprise" for my parents.... and they weren't necessarily financially well-off (both were students in seminary - dad going for mdiv, mom going for christian education which she didn't finish because of.. her surprise (me!) ); they hadn't been married for a set amount of time...

anyway, i guess the issue maybe deals a little with life.  Lately i've been drawn to dystopian stories and i always wonder (like in the story "The ones who walk away from the omelas") is the happiness of a city worth the life of one child?  and on the car ride home, my brother and i got into a pretty heated debate about whether if given the choice, you would press a button to kill someone but at the same time achieve the cure for cancer.  there are so many .. assumptions/presuppositions that come with that thought .. but anyway, i automatically thought of abortion.

Anyway, the reason i came to this train of thought was because I finally found the time to read Revive Our Hearts's segment on "Are There Enough Children In The World"  and that kind of idea is always interesting for me to learn about (especially since I don't totally buy into the "overpopulation" idea of the world)... and as i was reading, i just wanted to write about babies.

I'm glad I grew up with the opportunity to babysit and be around babies.  and kids.  it's cool seeing my sister and brother interact with children as well.  i think seeing their natural comfort in "handling" kids (especially unruly ones) is interesting to watch.. although i get pretty ticked off when they tell me "not to judge" when i say a kid is spoiled.. honestly, i'm not judging ... a spoiled kid's a spoiled kid.. but enough on that.
i'm just going to leave you with some pictures and links...

BABIES ARE JUST SO PRECIOUS!!!   (but i guess i should add the disclaimer that i understand there are details and complications and i shouldn't be so openly dismayed when friends tell me they are waiting to start a family etc................ or... okay, i guess there are things i shouldn't publicly say on a blog. LOL)

Links to peruse:
Trailer for the documentary Babies
A cover of Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are" from a boy about his little sister (who has down syndrome - a rare case nowadays)
http://www.epm.org/resources/2010/Mar/2/birth-control-pill-abortifacient-and-contraceptive/
http://www.aaplog.org/position-and-papers/oral-contraceptive-controversy/
http://www.epm.org/resources/2010/Feb/22/growing-debate-about-abortifacient-effect-birth-co/


[steps off soap box // fade to black]

my ideas

once in 8th grade i read a boy's extensive 'opendiary.com' post on his "great" business proposal.. called like one-bite pizza, where basically the premise is they'd sell a pizza with the first bite gone.. and things would go like "uh oh, (if they got a whole one), here ya go!" and then take a bite.  something like that. and when it got big they'd have like pizza-cutters shaped with a bite so that they could just take out bites mass-styles.
I forget why he thought it'd be a good idea.
Honestly, well, obviously, I'm kinda sold on that idea since I still remember it (and remember who said it) a decade later.

I have some cool ideas.

Like my Nakery.  Where the little catch phrase would be "Naked and Unashamed" and where people would say things like "that's SO nake!"  and my cookies and muffins and breads would be bare and stripped and NOT full of preservatives/frosting.

Leona thought of titling an Asian-fusion restaurant "Disoriented."  I think that would be cuuuute.  I think the name would work for like a small cart, or something like that. It would be fun to run.

Another idea I had was changing my phone ring tone to the song from Inception that warns you of an impending kick. You could have it as your alarm, and it would be a trippy way to wake up.  THEN also, you know how when a sound like your alarm goes off during the day, you - for a split second - think that it's time to wake up?  Well, you'd have that effect DOUBLED since it would also be the sign that your dream is up.

Talking of Inception, my friend Sarah had a really smart idea.. (a while ago - but one that I remember now) .. perhaps the Inception was actually run by that girl on Leo Dicap's character..  it makes more sense.  there's MORE of a purpose with that.. because the whole inception for a business thing was kinda.. half-baked/not fully fleshed out.. and random.. and way too well done.  Anyway, one thing that bugs me about the ENDING is that either it's his dream OR it's the director's continuity error.  that bugs me.  it's REALLY not ambiguous .. it's one or the other.  and that bugs me. haha.  (let's talk if you have enlightened ideas).   Otherwise, I thought Inception was fun and riveting.  reminds me a LOT of Spanish philosophy/literature (they realllly love the whole zhuangzi's butterfly/dream theory)  ..  especially of Borges.

Inception's cool because there was a wide positive reception, it was trippy enough to get people thinking about it, but not enough to lose people. hehehe.


THE END!!!!!



i went with the Hans to their church.  Reallllllly excited about it. hehehe.  I can't wait for our church to be bigger/older/wider.  I don't know.  got excited about the future, and got excited about going home too.

just received news from my cousin
talked with her a bit.
she's stressed about her MCATs and she stopped herself from describing her physical signs of stress in graphic detail.
i talked about my essay.
i wondered about how others would take the news
sent a rather pithy text to inform my sister
and a few doors away through the screen of my sliding glass door that i opened to the balmy oc air and cricket sounds, girls sang happy birthday.
i hear the tinkle of forks.
i felt like it was situationally ironic that as i think rather flippantly of my grandpa's passing, someone else is celebrating birth.
but then again, it's not like someone's being born.
and there's probably thousands born around the world.
or at least one.

when people die, i always feel like i'm scrounging for emotions.
because i feel curiously blank.
and not in shock either, but a selfish kind of blank.
as in a shoulder-shrug-move-on kind of blank

that's all for now.

The Road Less Travelled

What I could do in the next few years:

Option ONE
JOB/Volunteer in classroom setting

Apply for an accelerated* Multiple Cred/M.A. in Education from an acclaimed school** so that I can start my own alternative school (whether it be more of an independent study program like Templeton's program or more along the lines of a Classical Academy like SLOCA... currently leaning towards the latter)

Defer from my English MA program for one year (already ok'd with the director)

Go to school.

Finish my English MA program if i want to.

Start the school (decide between Charter and Private, currently leaning more towards latter)

*as in less then 2 years
** so that I look legit.. although you technically don't need anything to start a private school.  Why an M.A. and not a PhD?  You only need an MA for like a k-8 deal, plus I'm not actually interested in the philosophy/sociology behind Education, honestamente.

Option TWO
JOB / Volunteer with public international high schools (like OIHS where I was in 2009, or SFIHS, which BEGAN after i graduated Cal)

Finish my English MA / apply for single subject creds

Teach English for middle school or high school, ideally in an alternative or urban setting.

I would LOVe that actually.  I would love to teach middle school. honestly honestly honestly.

Option THREE (which could be easily melded with Option TWO)
JOB
Finish my English MA
Work somewhere
just save money and go to...

India
Europe
South America
Asia
etc
etc
etc

In no particular order.

Would LOVE to see the continental USA too.



I WANT to do one more than the other two.
I think one is better than the other two.
and two are always fall back plans if one doesn't work out.

Today was a good day for NPR

As i drove down to So Cal, I was listening to NPR and MAN the topics today were spot on.

First there was a discussion about the need for blacks to not let the messenger get in the way of the message (in regards to the Tea Party etc) based on an article written by a republican black woman, Sophia Nelson.  Interested in looking her up.  Good dialogue

THEN there was a discussion about CHEATING in schools.  AGH I actually got off the freeway, pulled over, and spent a good five minutes trying to call in and give my two cents.  Maybe one day I'll write about cheating....
basically how I grew up not cheating but ignoring when others cheated until a certain boy in my high school class whom eVERYone knew cheated got into Stanford..
I didn't cheat in college either... and when I began TEACHING I was really hard on cheating until I went to GCA.
I think I changed my philosophy a little, being lenient on the first one, trying to vary my tests and projects so that kids CAN'T viably cheat, and of course, if they cheat, just give them another assignment for a maximum grade of a C.  Easy peasy..

It was interesting how a lot of students unfortunately aren't prepared to write college-level (works cited, research intensive) work in high school.  ... America and education.  ..::sigh::..

I thought about starting an interactive blog where each post would be something that would be useful to students
like how to cite a book
how to start an intro paragraph

under the idea that we must "first learn the rules in order to throw them out." (yea yea JM!)

it got staticky.

THEN
in LA i listened to a story of an American family that lives off of welfare.  I thought about health a lot.. :-/
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128618224


Other discussions of note:
Debate over high-risk abortion public funding
Republicans blocking extension of unemployment benefits
Army + don't ask don't tell
auto-dealership bailout vs non-bailout / closing dealerships critique


There were random stuff too
like Lilith concert, a probe on Mars (pretty cool tho), human beings evolutionary development in terms of running,... yeah


ANyway, today was especially interesting... http://www.npr.org

I got into the habit of listening and absorbing information that way during my sophomore year when I worked a mind-numbing job and had an ipod.  At first, I couldn't focus, but now, I'm glad I can!

UM, I watched 24:Redemption last night.. and wow, 24 is kind of cool. and I just wish I had more international awareness............

Question

In 8th grade reading, we're reading "The Arrow and the Lamp."

It's a retelling of the story of Psyche and Cupid.

I remembered that story from reading Greek myths when I was little.
I then retouched upon it when i read The Golden Ass Spring semester 2008 and then again during the summer of 2008. That's when DChoe suggested that I read Till We Have Faces, and Leona heartily agreed. I fell in LOVE with that book.

I love coming back to it (this year's 7th graders read "The Enchanted Palace" and "The Trial of Psyche") and now I'm reading it again as "The Arrow and the Lamp."

The 8th graders asked me this on Friday: "How come Cupid doesn't let Psyche see him?"

I had no clue.

I guess it was this idea of trust, testing, etc etc.. but really, WHY does Cupid not let Psyche see his face?

No internet sources answer this.

Was it just to keep the story going? No. That is not satisfactory.

Conferences

Every year I'm more and more inclined to attend Resolved.

Every year, I decide not to and explain why, which then reminds me of why I dislike mass Christian conferences.

I remember going to large conferences ever since I was a kid.  (You know that stereotype where "if you're a pastor's kid, your vacations are planned around retreats and conferences"?  yeah, that was true).  And since my dad was doing college ministry, my siblings and I were the only children there so when we got older, us three would go by ourselves to the "youth" portions.  Always super awkward.  Always super annoying.  I remember being shoved out of the way by other azian christian kids as they screamed to David Crowder Band or whoever was leading praise.  I'm not saying I was so righteous or anything, but I felt like it was extremely hypocritical to push someone away just so you could "praise God."  Then I'd remember walking home with my family and college students and seeing youth kids smoking or doing whatevers outside the building.

The adults weren't much better either.. running up to the front, saving seats, etc etc etc.  It was annoying.  I'd be tired.  We'd go to Disney World on the last day and someone would get lost.  We'd come home tired and sweaty.  Maybe with an extra speeding ticket. 


I didn't like standing in line for autographs (even though it was cool when I got one), I didn't like big long lines period.. and I guess I still don't like conferences.  I don't see the point.  There's the temptation to "over praise" just because you're in an area where everyone else is.. there's the feelings of annoyances as people bump into you, as tempers flare, or as you suppress things, there's the rush.. and apparently, it's not much different at Resolved.  People still come 2 hours early, people still cut in line, etc etc.   And I guess I don't think I'm ready for that. 

Plus, you can listen for free online. 

I mean there WERE good experiences.  There was much group prayer, I LIKED the skits, I liked getting a new t-shirt, I liked hearing different people sing, I liked hearing testimonies, I liked crowding into a hotel room while my dad made ramen with random hotel amenities (like a coffee maker and bathroom cups)..  I liked road trips, I liked all that... and maybe I'm being bitter .. but I just don't like seeing people, Christians especially, say one thing, worship one thing, but then with their actions appear really rude and shovey.

I mean i hear good things though. Mainly good things.  I guess what i'd miss would be hanging out with people, and I HEAR amazing things about what it feels like to worship God with a stadium full of people.  That sounds cool.  But for now, I'll just worship in smaller settings and listen through my ipod afterwards. 

epiphany

during parent teacher conferences, I realized I have a totally different approach if i assume that the parent loves their kid.

(well duh Junia, what else?)

Plenty!  They might be pushing their child to success, trying to get them to do what they couldn't, trying to form them into what they want the child to be, trying to get the child to the top of the class etc etc.,


But I realized, even if they ARE, they can do that and STILL love their child. 

There ARE select few parents who feel like their children are a nuisance or a duty that will take care of them in their old age... but who am I to judge?

but I do.

SO, I realized, if i assume that they love their child, more than their jobs, their time, etc (even though it may seem to me that they don't), I can empathize better, help them better, and help their child more.

I love to be a parent's champion to their kids.  I wish I were reminded that my mom and dad loves me when I was young(er) and stupid(er).

i just got back from a wedding; so shoot me if i'm feeling a lil sentimental

"To you I shall say, as I have often said before, Do not be in a hurry, the right man will come at last; you will in the course of the next two or three years meet with somebody more generally unexceptionable than anyone you have yet known, who will love you as warmly as possible, and who will so completely attach you that you will feel you never really loved before."


- Jane Austen in a letter written on Feb. 20, 1816 to her cousin Fanny Knight 

Is this too idealistic?

After all, if Becoming Jane is accurate, Jane's love life wasn't too successful either.  (augh that movie made me cry)

Speaking of author biopics, who's excited to see Bright Star?  Hot DAWG I love Keates!  Intrigued by him ever since I found out in my Spring 08 Romantic Lit class that all the other romanticists looked down on him and likened his works to self-gratification (or the more lurid counterpart).  Poor Keates.  (although the actor who plays Keates is sort of a creepers... anyone seen Perfume?  yagh)

so i guess i *DID* miss my dad!

Because after he left, I felt empty for a while! WOW.

You know, there's certain phrases I always laugh at or think about .. and i realize it's because of a long line of inside jokes with my dad. With my dad, they're mainly fob-jokes and he laughs at them a lot. No one else really does.

for example, I told my dad about how the flight attendant at Asia Air (YAGH no frills super cheap.. DEFinITELy DOn'T ride UNLESS you got a SUPER CHEAP Deal.. they make SURE you get NO Frills.. NOT EVEN WATER!!!!! (unless you pay for bottled)) said... "Have a presen- have a ples..ident flight!" AHAHAHAH. so funny right? well maybe not really; no one else guffawed. but my dad smirked .. because it's funny!

and these are other phrases

"I am not responsibility." (a fob "once said" that instead of "i am not responsible)

"You know ramen?" (You know what I mean --> you know I mean? --> you knorrimean...)

"I am determination!" (instead of I am determined)

adding any sort of +tion to a gerund or participle. (i LOVE how I know that now)

"flied lice"

"supplies!"

any poop/booger jokes.



I also realized my dad's stories begin with 'i knew a guy who..' or "once there was this guy who..." and recently I realized those weren't TRUE.. but just stemmed from that part in your brain where you think "what if there was this guy who..."

I know that because I have a habit of doing that too. Putting my theoreticals into objective memories that never happened. I think that's lying. Or it's a habit I'm trying not to do anymore; exaggerate or tell stories as if they were true.

5am - not so bad

even though i stayed up later than i usually did. (some emergency girl talk. okay maybe not emergency. -_-)
and awoke.
boiled water.
steamed a baozi.
did anki vocab practice.
QT.
folded some clothes
hot shower just for fun - and sang Bad Romance.. okay, fine, I don't know ANY of the lyrics except for "Bad romance" .. so I hummed.
bought tangerines
came to school 3 min early!

anyway

the point is
i bought dinner and I saw a long black hair in this delicious chinese meatball. I was, of course, repulsed and threw the hair away and proceeded to eat the rest of my food (sans meatball).
Then I began to think; what's so bad about eating food with hair in it? Hasn't the germs been killed from the cooking? Is it more that a hair in meatball is indicative of unsanitary conditions? Not really though, right? Because it just means she didn't tie her hair or was careless.

Anyway, I still didn't eat the meatball but I was just wondering; what's up with the disgust at hair in your food? Is it just american decorum? If I were starving in China, wouldn't I eat it? (meatball not the hair). Is the difference that I'm NOT starving in China, and that I have the option to not eat it the main difference? If so, is it VALID?

Does validity even matter when the question is not sanitation but social mores?

Food for the thought!


Or is it really that dirty? I guess I'm just .. thinking down a path I never thunk down before; usually I'd be very very grossed out and throw the whole thing away. Oh I've become Asianified!

umm so yeah.

3 of my friends are engaged. it makes sense that i write this.

anyway i just read this article:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

okay; a lie; i began reading it because it had an intriguing, gutsy premise.. and then it kept on going and going and going.. so i stopped and decided to link it and post my thoughts.

i also happened to watch this right after: http://vimeo.com/9044218


what the HECK.

The first article scared me a little... made me think; was interesting..
The second video was like uhhh... how sad.

I'm not trying to be hoity toity but yeah.

That's all.

asia america where have you gone?

As i read laurence yep and amy tan to my kids i realize that these are the pioneers of asian american literature.

if you know me, you know for the most part, i hate asian american literature. just like an asian, it tries SO hard. but maybe what i didn't like wasn't the actual literature (despite my professed hatred of all things amy tan, i've read almost all her books), but i hated the box it placed me into.


to backtrack, i never identified myself as Asian or Korean. I was American. I hated the term white-washed as well since hello i was born and raised in america..of course i'm american... if my parents wanted me to be korean, they should and would have stayed there.

anyway,fast forward to high school.. as Miss Chin (ironical cruel twist of fate gave her many), a student teacher, led The Joy Luck Club discussions. "What does X show about Asian American identity?" "How does Joy Luck Club show what all asians in america are like?" okay, maybe not so extreme, but it was definitely annoying.. i'm Korean American if anything, I never grew up believing in ghosts, and my parents didn't pressure me academically. Asian American is not a box.

But, admittedly, they opened up discussion. When I teach Asian American short stories to middle school kids who are if anything, American Asians, it moves me that I am able to bring something they can relate to. As my teaching manual tells me to "accustom your students to a different culture, discuss Asia-related topics, compare and contrast the Asian perspective to their own perspective", I not only find it ironic but a refreshing challenge to teach Asian American literature to international Asian americans.... and THEN i realize.. WOW how crazy it is that they took the leap to write literature. what asian parent would like that?
even NOW you don't see asian american writers.. and when you do, it's always some mumbo jumbo-y stuff on art, dragons, weird twisted love..okay, oops.. off track.


that is all to say though, for once in my life, i'm interested. especially as i prepare to study again, i want to take my comparative literature background and re-explore American literature, and how in this current day and age, the idea of AMERICAN encompasses more of the secondary cultures aspect than ever before..

and i want to write.


maybe it'll be titled "my crazy grandmother."





heeheee: a few weeks ago in 7th grade reading class

"My mom's coming to visit in March!"
"Oh! Is your crazy grandmother coming too?"
"Gordon! You can't call her that - I may call her that but she's MY grandmother. Make sure you never call her the crazy grandmother.. especially in front of my mom!"
"Oh."


oh Gordon.

gordon is another kettle of fish altogether.

cute little Sid-the-sloth-from Ice age doppelganger with a hint of asberger's and a big heart? makes me want to laugh and give up and laugh some more ..in despairing helplessness always remedied by when he pats my back and tells me "Miss Kim, it's all right!" (No Gordon it's not - you need to turn in your work late tomorrow)

to be perfectly (or imperfectly) honest...

Okay fine, i'll pepper this post with a lot of self-deprecating, eeyoresque melodrama which will end up strangely making me feel better .. or at least temporarily gratified.

This post will be titled

"Why My GRE Score Sucks"
It is difficult for me to concentrate on a test that is 3 hours long.
My first analytical writing prompt was fun.
The second one, i knew what I wanted to say but by then it was no longer fun and I got tired and bored of trying to edit.
So I just haphazardly finished it.
That does NOTHING for morale.
So then reading comprehension... wow, reading comprehension... reading articles with difficult words on scientific or social topics. So difficult.
Morale sunk further.
Then trying to read graphs. Or difficult terms that I don't remember.. like "multiple integers".

And then doing something dumb like forgetting some crucial little math tidbit. Or not remembering anything about permutations or exponents.

And all the while a little voice in my head saying, "you DID learn this before." or "wow, you're so dumb." or "what's the use?" or "whatever, hopefully it's curved." or "you'll do fine during the GREs."

And then I see my mistakes and see what I did wrong.. and go dur.


All this can be remedied.
The question is do I have the diligence and desire to remedy all this? It'S SO TIRING.
I'M SO TIRED!!!!!

I'm secretly hoping somehow i'll phenomenally do amazingly on the GRE... since I normally do pretty well on standardized testing.. or MAYBe when I was younger, I was more diligent with studies.

I don't know.

Anyway, it's positively discouraging because there's no easy shortcut; but rather I have to work hard. Isn't that so telling about my person? I'm so lazy. and that sucks to see how a test can really conquer me like that.......... like realistically, how do you survive in life if you have this kind of mentality?



In other news, came to "Soup and Bread" a cute restaurant/cafe right next to Sun Yat-Sen Memorial Hall MRT. kathy and i saw it yesterday while looking for the swing dance venue Capone's. Anyway, it's nice, yummy, AND they gave us free YUMMY lattes with foam hearts. Happy Chinese New Year!


I wonder if caffeine jitterized me.


Anyway,

Tomorrow I'm going to practice more math and verbal. Then Wednesday another test. Then the following Monday a test.

HwaeeTING!