another milestone.

So after lots of stress and craziness, today I moved ALL 26 of my boxes into Christine, Natalie and Junny's attic.  (Thank you so much girls for your hospitality, flexibility, care, and love!!)  You're probably thinking 26? What the.  Let me explain.  Only 7 of them were large boxes.  The rest were small.  some "boxes" were really just a backpack or a sleeping mat, that I still marked with my tag.
Anyway, I chatted with CMyung, and we always have the most eventful conversations.

Since everything was last minute, I managed to stick everything into my little Honda Accord and then proceeded to lug each box up the stairs.  Then, I had to carry it up the ladder into their attic.  The first box I tried to take up (the really heavy one) caused a lot of drama.  I couldn't go up or down and my leg was shaking badly.  It was frightening.  I finally figured out how to get it up there... and then I took a quick breather and went down to get the rest of the boxes.

As I carried them up, I realized, that dude, I never have to get married.  I am bonafide self-sufficient.  I'm carrying 20+lb boxes up the stairs UP A ladder and storing it in an attic!  Like a GI Joe!  Christine (half-heartedly) countered, "It's not about carrying boxes, it's about companionship."  But I feel like I have better companionship elsewhere.  I voiced those thoughts.  Then she responded (a little too enthusiastically), "NO DOn't say that!! But YEah! I feel like that too!  I have a feeling that it's gonna be you, me, and Grace Son living together in the future."   I cracked up at that.  What a life.  I bet Grace would get mad and tell me to take her off the list.

Anyway, afterwards my hands were tingly, I was sweaty, but I was done!  All under an hour!  But I think I broke their ladder (but apparently Junny's strong and can fix it?  I guess if not, John can?).

Then I chatted a bit with le Myung.  I think I thought a lot though, these past few days.  Especially with my mom gone, me moving out, etc etc, and just reflecting and feeling isolated and alone (granted, this was late at night and I wasn't at the best emotional state).... sometimes I wonder if I'm independent because I put myself in this situation or if it's because others leave me alone.  And then I wonder what the purpose of relationships and friendships are, if they continue to pass.  I used to think relationships were like ponds, that simply grow deeper or shallower (depending on the rainfall or sun).  But now, I see it more like a river, where different currents intertwine for a time, but then move on.

Anyway, I'm moved, I'm packed.  They say "it's only ten months" but ten months is still a really long time.  I also am afraid of the reality that I may not come back.  If I'm not coming back, I want to know NOW and not 8 months from now.  I don't want to find out in April that I'm staying in Boston.  I feel like the more I want to return though, the more I'll have to stay.  That's how my life works!  Whatever I want, I don't really get.

Where will I BE?  People tease me about marriage (don't worry, a guy would never be my reason for staying in Boston.. I mean really?  Changing my life plans for a person I've known for like.. a few months?  No thank you.  I'm 24, not 44.  Plus, Janet said she's gonna sabotage any relationship I have there, so I guess that's that.  Lastly, I want to be the one with the advanced, frivolous degree.. a real man wouldn't be wasting his time in academia - he should focus on fixing a toilet (I mean if I'm saving money by cooking, he should save me on car and house upkeep!). HAHA. )... but I'm thinking.. I'm like almost too self-sufficient to need to be married.  In fact, I can fix my own car, carry my own boxes, build my own shelf... I have applecare so I don't have to worry about computers.  And if I can't.. my dad can.

So I guess until my dad dies, I can stay single and be relatively happy.

Unless this guy comes along.

  But otherwise. meh.

Anyway, til next time.

yes, Janet, I have a paper due.

so yesterday I was diligently working on my paper at HHyun's sweet new place.

then i took a break.

and i played her an emo song i wrote in high school.  LOL  seriously, major issues.  some of the lyrics i wrote are also.. kind of cringe-worthy; not in that it's embarrassing but uhh i wrote of stuff that I meant one thing but if you read it, you would assume, means something else... yikes.

it's funny because a few weeks ago i was talking with a younger girl about boy problems.  i'm used to explaining "my story" of how as a frosh/soph in high school i wrote off boys forever after a sticky fiasco with one.  (i derno, just realized i hold onto things too easily and wasn't planning on letting myself get "crushed" every again).  usually it's the opening of a good heartfelt convo.
this time, it went more like this

"your sophomore year?"
"yeah it was.."
"wow, that was like.. ten years ago."
"...  .. .. yeah, it was.  huh."
"yeah... so you NEVER dated since then?"
"well, uh, i have other reasons but uh, yeah ten years, that's kind of weird huh."
"yeah... kinda"
-_-

FAIL.

hahahaha, i felt very old then, like an old spinster who can't relate with fresh young collegians.

anyway, after singing hannah my song...i was browsing through the "songs/poetry" i wrote in 2002/2003 (ALL BECAUSE OF X) and i was DYING.  HAHAHAHA.  and the one song i wrote with chords and everything.. well, let's just say, I had a LOT of Fiona Apple / Ani Difranco / Tori Amos / other fem-rock influences...  .. so um, yeah.


Then I rocked out to old-school-man-centered praise songs for HHyun.  she enjoyed it. I think.

I noticed that when I can't reach a note, i just try to belt it out extra loud.. to salvage it and stay on key.  It sounds horrible, absolutely horrible.  I have fun though.  But that day I got tired and realized it would be HARD to be a rockstar.

i turned 23 today

a friend told me to find some time to be alone. i asked why. reason being (from what i recollect...) thankfulness.

anyways, i've been busy today. complete with breakfast by my chef of a dad. an hour-long sat verbal test that i whizzed thru without re-checking for a job, cleaning like mad, laundry, being sporadically scared by my brother (who literally opens my door and roars...), ate naengmyun with rena, flew to socal, saw california from a bird's eye view!!!!!!!!, saw hannah hyun's new place, had dinner at Beppo's with beloved old and new friends, and came home and.. am.. contemplating quitting school.


anyways

"Happy 23rd Birthday to my princess daughter.  May our good Lord bless and keep you profound and sound! Mom & Dad"

Since mom is in japan right now, safe to say my dad wrote that! haha.

i have a weird relationship with my dad.  most of you don't really know him.  you think you do, but you don't. that's because i have a fierce pride and won't let you see the unhappy things unless it's something that would make him look good.  anyway, i like this card because there's tenderness there that he tries to brush over with something holy sounding-ish that's balanced with something that he thinks is witty...

we've progressed over the years.. from his bbq helper / car luggage unloader / heavy lifter / toenail cutter / water getter / sermon illustration to PRINCESS! HA!

i don't think i'm overanalyzing, and no, i'm not procrastinating.

umm so yeah.

3 of my friends are engaged. it makes sense that i write this.

anyway i just read this article:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

okay; a lie; i began reading it because it had an intriguing, gutsy premise.. and then it kept on going and going and going.. so i stopped and decided to link it and post my thoughts.

i also happened to watch this right after: http://vimeo.com/9044218


what the HECK.

The first article scared me a little... made me think; was interesting..
The second video was like uhhh... how sad.

I'm not trying to be hoity toity but yeah.

That's all.