Monday, February 27, 2012

trees and the concept of "friendship"

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" is a common quote.  Wikipedia talks about it. I didn't read it.  

I wrote a poem once. When I was in high school, melodramatic, and heartbroken.  the end of the poem had a few lines to the effect of how if the dude didn't respond to what I said, did I really say it.

And I guess here, I'm back to a question I had in 2007.  when I studied abroad.  And then again in 2009.  when I worked abroad.  and now in 2012. when (surprise) i'm away at grad school.  the question is, if someone doesn't respond or attempt to know what you're doing or even contact you, or basically, if all the overtures of relationship is ignored, does the friendship even exist?

i think some of the most hurtful things are when you go back home and people say "oh! i missed you! how are you doing? what are you up to?"  when really, they could have already had that answer if you know, they once in a while made an attempt to say hi and ask me in person.  we don't write letters. they're already online. is it that hard to drop a line?  well, I guess it IS hard to drop a line.. to a person that you could care less about.  

furthermore, the whole, "don't take it personal" is so crappy.  like how do you not take it personally .. relationships are a very personal, person-oriented thing.  and if you value something, you would want to know it, and see how it's going and how it's growing.  if you really cared about something, it's not about, "when are you coming back?" (so that we can presumable resume our friendship), it's about "how are you doing?"  ... and continue the friendship there.

yes, it's about priorities. and if anything, i'm learning that for many people, i don't even come close to being even a slight priority.

here's where the defensive comments come in.  about how i need to understand people are busy.  how i need to understand that they care.  how i need to understand that i'm being unfair.  how i need to "confront" people instead of "secretly harboring bitterness."  but when it comes down to a conversation that starts with, "hey, i'm feeling ignored.." where do you GO from there?  the other person apologize for an action that they've already been doing. the other person attempts to improve their communication... when it's obviously for the benefit of the person who brought up the issue. everything feels fake and awkward.  if it comes to this, i don't want the relationship.

and i'm not being unfair.  i'm being very fair. and very factual.  life is about priorities.  it's about weighing what's more important.  is McD's more important to me or BK.  Do i care more about my happiness or theirs?  Would I rather sleep or work out?  Do i want to shove my feet into my shoes or retie the laces?  it's all about priorities.  and whether they're automatic habits or carefully wrought decisions, your actions reflect what your priorities are.  and if they don't you have to go back and fix your actions (unless your priority is that you don't care if your actions don't jive with your so-called priorities)....... long story short.  

if there is no communication or even attempts at communication.  if a conversation is such that one side is silent.  does the relationship exist?

The tree philosophers might say YES. the tree exists. YES it's still there.

i'd say no, the relationship doesn't exist. or if it does, it's been revealed to be an extremely shallow one.

why does this suddenly make me cry

Hello Darkness,
My old friend.  I've come to talk with you again.  Because a vision softly creeping left it's seeds while I was sleeping, and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone-- narrow streets of cobblestone---'neath the halo of a street lamp.  I turned my collar to the cold and damp when my eyes were stabbed by a flash of a neon light that split the night and touched the sound of silence.  And in the naked light I saw ten thousand people -- maybe more!  People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening, people writing songs that voices never share, and no one dared disturb the sound of silence.

"Fools," said I, "You do not know!  Silence like a cancer grows.  Hear my words that I might teach you; take my arms that I might reach you!"

But my words like silent raindrops fell and echoed in the wells of silence.

And the people bowed and prayed to the neon god they made, and the sign flashed out its warning in the words that it was forming.  And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls and tenement halls," and whispered in the sounds of silence.

Friday, February 24, 2012

new girl

it grows on you.
at first Zooey Deschanel gets annoying... just because, you know, she does the whole zooey deschanel thing.  if you don't know what i'm talking about, go watch SNL where.. Zooey Deschanel can't really act as anyone except Zooey Deschanel.

oh zooe. good thing you're good at what you do, b/c you've typecasted yourself for life.

anyway, i began watching it b/c my friend said the new girl reminded him of me. i was kind of insulted. until i saw this (link).

Then I laughed... b/c my guy friends hate me for doing everything she does.
Since then, i've been watching. mainly to criticize. mainly to love justin long. mainly to be fascinated by the fact that Nick reminds me of what i feel my high school crush could be right now.. which is not a real compliment to him..  and then the cast keeps getting better.

Especially now, I don't think I'm very similar to her, because.. unlike Jessica Day, I'm not fake stupidcute.  (I know some people who are... but I shouldn't name names. HAH).  ANYWAY, though, there's other parts where she reminds me of some of my close girl friends in high school where we'd do these fake sexy voices of the "oh oh shmiddtayyy"  that Jess does. HAHa. and that makes me laugh too.

anyway the whole point of this is to continue my enjoyment of lists:

My new list

Favorite Schmidt Words:

Monday, February 20, 2012

that you would love me more than her

Across the Universe is a strange movie in that when I watched it, I distinctly remember disliking it.  I watched it in a tiny screen on some international flight at some odd time, so I remember watching it barely conscious, drifting in and out.  I guess the exhausted sleepiness is as close to psychadelia that I'll get...

Anyway, it's interesting because I think of bits of that movie often.  I wouldn't be able to tell you what it's about or what happens, really, but I can tell you that I like it.

Friday, February 17, 2012


A minute ago, it was 11:11pm, and it reminded me of twelve hours ago.  Well, twelve hours and seven minutes ago when I was at Au Bon Pain, getting soup and a muffin.  The boy crouching behind the cash register flashed me a grin, and I obliged a smile while hurriedly getting my food.  I was already seven minutes late.  When I returned to the cash register, for some reason, he was now walking around trying to stamp sticker prices onto items.  I tried to quell my annoyance, but honestly, customer service 101, the customer comes first.  I was tempted to grab my soup and muffin and make a run for it, but my inner socialized conscience and my flabby thighs kept me waiting.  He sauntered over and smiled as he fumbled with the register.  I stared out of the corner of my eye, willing the "closed" on the register to change.  Right then the phone rang.  As he typed into the keyboard for the fifth time, he balanced the phone in the crook of his neck. It was his boss Mike.  They had run out of cookies and the boy had tried to tell him earlier.  The boss was annoyed they ran out of cookies but was sending over a stock soon.  The boy hung up, swiped my credit card and asked me if I wanted the receipt.  I said no.  He tore the receipt off and glanced at it before shrugging slightly and saying, "It's 11:11." he grinned as he crumpled my receipt and tossed it into the trash.  For a split-second I wished I'd taken the receipt.  I smiled again and headed for the elevator.  Sweet kid.  Now it's 11:19pm and I should get back to work.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

the reason why

i'm probably doing all my work on time is  because I have less friends to talk to at home.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Frivol, Drivel, Snivel

I was looking at the list of American Idol winners after watching the Grammy's the other night.
I realized it doesn't matter if you win, you just have to make top two to have a decent chance at making it big afterwards.  Also, if you stick to country, you'll definitely have a fighting chance since that following is just so darn loyal.  This is also probably why American Idol is your best bet.  All the other music shows, you get some fame, but not that much.  Except for Leona Lewis, I really don't know anybody from any other reality TV show who managed to make it big in the music world.  Maybe Pentatonix? (Not really).

American Idol Season 1 (2002) Winner: Kelly Clarkson; Runner-Up: Justin Guarini (who? exactly).  The first of her kind, and really amazing.  She went through her ups and downs with the music industry, but has definitely learned to navigate on her own.  And how much do I love her friendship with Blake and Miranda (yes, I'm not a first name basis with them).
American Idol Season 2 (2003) Winner: Ruben Studdard; Runner-Up: Clay Aiken.  Both of them were dealt the blow of fameless infamy... not even.  I think Ruben Studdard makes gospel albums.   I have no idea where Aiken is and I'm too lazy to wiki him.  
American Idol Season 3 (2004) Winner: Fantasia BarrinoRunner-Up: Diana DeGarmo.  I remember hearing the name Fantasia thrown around.  Have no idea where these peeps are.  
American Idol Season 4 (2005) Winner: Carrie UnderwoodRunner-Up: Bo Bice (who?).  WHOOO Carrie Underwood! Another country star!
American Idol Season 5 (2006) Winner: Taylor HicksRunner-Up: Katharine McPhee.  I thought Katharine McPhee was the winner here!  but I guess it was Taylor Hicks.. and I feel that both of them have faded.

American Idol Season 6 (2007) Winner: Jordin SparksRunner-Up:Blake Lewis.  Oh so THAT'S where Jordin Sparks came from!  I thought she was a Disney star - turned singer!

American Idol Season 7 (2008) Winner: David CookRunner-Up: David Archuleta.  Another example where the runner-up outshines the winner.  

American Idol Season 8 (2009) Winner: Kris AllenRunner-Up: Adam Lambert.  and yet ANOTHER one where the runner-up outshines the winner.

American Idol Season 9 (2010) Winner: Lee DeWyzeRunner-Up: Crystal Bowersox.  I guess this year was a dud.  Who are these people?

American Idol Season 10 (2011) Winner: Scotty McCreeryRunner-Up: Lauren Alaina. And Both these two blow it out of the water.  They're both in country.  Coincidence?  I think not!

Honestly, I never really got hooked on American Idol, for some reason.  Maybe it got too repetitive or something.  Or, I just never connected with the judges.  Loving The  Voice.  Loved The Sing Off.  Can stand to watch random youtube clips of the X Factor for hours on end.  And to all you snobby purists:

You go, Adam Levine!