Saturday, August 7, 2010

a nonprayer of a fool

god, you better save her soon so we can get onto the mutual edification sisterhood business where she'll look back and be properly grateful and will encourage me with her insightful rebukes and obvious demonstrations of fruit... because i'm sick of the whole sit at a quiet restaurant and argue and cry and have her roll her eyes and me and say okay and be extremely idiotic.

god, i'm sick of praying and i'm sick of being angry at what my parents failed to do (namely raise us perfectly biblically blamelessly) and i don't like this situation where i feel unfairly criticized and where i get angry and frustrated at her from what i think is love, but what i actually know is desperation.
because god if she dies, then what?  is this a demonstration of your grace and sovereignty that should make me all the more grateful for my own salvation?  i don't know.  i wonder if i would feel an i-told-you-so somewhere deep in my gut and smugly feel .. i don't know, more anger?

it's just anger anger anger here. and i know it's there. and it defeats everything.

i swear though, when i was sitting there and being told i was condescending, i had too many rules, that i was disrespectful, etc etc etc and as she threw away the bulk of what i said to poke at the bits of maybe what i shouldn't have said, i just wanted to shake her and leave..            i hate talking to fools.

is this love?

what do you do when he refuses your lifesaver as he floats down a rapid, claiming he can swim.. when 50 meters away is the niagara falls..  do you know what i'd do?  i'd just ducttape her to the raft and her out of there.... except that's not an option.  you can't force people to open their eyes.

"what's it to you?"
"that's your opinion"
"my relationship is between me and God."

I HATE those phrases.  those are the WORST things anyone can say.

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